Sunday was a slow and sad day for me. I woke up early to drive my daughter to her father's house. The worst days of my week are the days I have to take her to his house for the following four nights. When I don't have my daughter I am a different person. I am fully capable of sleeping for hours on end all day and again all night. I fall into serious depressions when she's gone. Its also because he's gone. This is only the beginning of the second week of her father and I.... I'm not sure if I should say we've broken up. We were really going through a hard time and fighting a lot. We've been together five years and have been through more than I am willing to share on this blog. We are best friends and very much in love and too much alike. Things really got intense for a while and I told him that we needed to take some time apart. Now we've "broken up" in the past but never broken up. Don't get me wrong we aren't one of those couples who breaks up ten times a year, not by any means. However on the one or two occasions we've gotten so mad or so sad or just so tired of stressing certain things, we've said we were breaking up. However we always remained spending every second of every day together, calling each other pet names, texting when we weren't together, until a day or so later and the break up never happened.
This time is different. This is the first time in five years we haven't at the absolute least seen each other every day. In five years there has not been one day, and that is not an exaggeration. Ninety percent of those days we spend ninety percent of together. We even took vacations with each others family's so I really do mean we spent every day together. However since the Sunday before I started JC, we've only seen each other to drop off the baby to each other or that one day he popped in to drop off breakfast.
I'm not used to it. I love him with all of my heart and soul, I do have his name tattooed on my neck and I do know that we are going to be okay. I just really feel like right now, as hard a decision as it is to make, we need to focus on ourselves. When I'm with him I am so taken with him and so focused on him I can never take care of myself. I don't have the time or energy to desire to take care of myself I just want to take care of him. We are both very , very codependent and in the most unhealthy of ways. I just need to get myself together. I need to. For whatever reason, right now, I can't do that and be so involved in his day to day life as I used to be. I don't see us going on like this for a long time, this not seeing each other or talking to each other at all thing. Just right now, in the beginning, this is how it needs to be. I need to get my weight under control. I need to get my health under control. I need to my ass back to school next semester.
Its sad though. I love him more than I can convey with all the words in all the languages, but I love him enough to let him go for the time being, to better ourselves for our daughter, for our family, in the future. I love him enough to love myself. But I miss him like freaking crazy. So on the days that my daughter is with him, when I don't have him and I don't have her, I get pretty down. Its easy to sleep all day and I'm trying really hard to not let myself fall under that funk.
My mother knows how depressed I get when my daughter isn't here so she went ahead and rejoined our old gym on Sunday evening. Once upon a time that was my favorite place to be. I used to go in at least once a day and some days three times a day. It's a 24/7 gym so I would often get up and go first thing in the morning, then once more when my mother got home from work so we could go together and then on nights that I couldn't sleep, I would get up and go spend an hour in the gym. My mother and I became major gym rats. Even heading up to the gym during an incredible blizzard and were shocked and pissed to find out the gum was closed! What the hell?! Its just four feet of snowing and showing no signs of stopping!! This was also during the time that I had lost all that weight in all those unhealthy ways.
I do love the gym, in shape or otherwise, and being able to go to the gym when my daughter is gone is the perfect escape. Instead of falling into major depressions and going to sleep, I can do the opposite and go to the gym and work all that depression right out of my skin.
I would have liked to have gone to the gym Sunday night but I had promised I'd take my mother grocery shopping since I'd gotten paid and she got home so late from work that by the time we got done shopping it was ten at night. I also didn't have sneakers and still had to go and buy some. We decided to skip the gym for the day and get started on Monday.
Not so surprising, I didn't have a hard time falling asleep Sunday night. Heh...
No comments:
Post a Comment